Tulip Tears - Test Knitting

I have not been a very diligent test knitter...too many distractions in my life at the moment...too much emotional turbulence...

Sometimes knitting is a blessing, a form of meditation. I can knit and clear my mind of all thoughts and only experience the rhythm of the knitting. 

Other times it helps me to clarify thoughts or ideas, especially if I am knitting something repetitive. I can allow my mind to wander and ideas to form.

However, if I am upset or distressed I find it difficult to knit...my mind will not rid itself of the negative thoughts and they can grow and mutate...the negative energy travels through my arms and into my fingers, I am clumsy, I make mistakes or I don't read the pattern properly. Knitting is no longer the joy and solace I need.

If I am not careful, projects become imbued with my twisted emotions - I pick up the knitting and immediately associate the piece with the negative feelings I had the last time I worked on the project. As you can imagine, this doesn't give much impetus for finishing whatever it was I was knitting.

These socks have become one of those projects. Many of the rows were knitted while I played out the various possible scenarios and outcomes of the difficult decisions I need to make in my life right now.

The socks are associated with the anxieties and sadness, the mixed up affairs of my heart.

Yet, I have gone through my days pretending that everything is alright. Pretending to be OK, playing the joker at work, going out with my friends and laughing and drinking. Not really displaying the deep rooted sadness I'm carrying around.

So it strikes me as ironic that the colourway of this yarn is called "Tears of a Clown" and as I wryly laugh at this coincidence I also note that the "tulip" stitch pattern also looks very much like a tear drop.

This inspired a little doodle which you can just see in the first photo.

Anyway, self pity aside, the good news is that I have completed the gusset of these pretty "Tulip Socks" and I am on schedule to finish the test knit by the deadline.